He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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