I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
