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he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
