I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
