Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
there is glitter all over my balls
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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