I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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