do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
