Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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