I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
