id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
