My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
