apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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