Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
