i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
