Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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