Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
