My sheets look like a crime scene.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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