I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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