u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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