how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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