I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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