it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
