Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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