I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's blow job season.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
