I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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