I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
