She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
foreskin is a definite game changer
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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