Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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