She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
These tits shall not be calmed
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
