Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
