Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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