I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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