Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
