I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
