There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
