if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
