When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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