She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
