hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
