i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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