I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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