dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
