That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize