She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize