You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
