Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
