Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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