Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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