I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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