I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
