Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
