I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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