Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
