Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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