meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
