I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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