i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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